What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 19.06.2025 06:03
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I think the readers, may guess!
How do you emotionally react to when others seem to feel sorry for you?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She married twice! .
How do you cope when your mother doesn't love you?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Why can’t my wife just accept the fact that I’m going to cheat?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She loved him until the end.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I waited trembling.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Why was Boromir corrupted by the One Ring, but not Faramir in The Lord of the Rings?
As i do to all so called friends.?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I said to her
What do you think about wearing sheer pantyhose?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
What are the 10 things you regret doing in your life?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
What is the cost of implementing synchronized traffic lights in a mid-sized city?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
We were not on the streets..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I never cut or harmed myself..
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Would this be the day?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Can the effects of hormone replacement therapy (HRT) be reversed?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Comes on , in middle age.
(And it was in our own minds.)
At what stage in your life did you realize, "No, I can't do this any more" and walk out? Why?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
So, i spoilt her more .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
My family never makes their pension either.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I was scared of men, in general
She wouldn,t have been !
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
When she asked me how she looked .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was 9 years of age.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I know ,a lot about trauma.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He knew the spot.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
One cannot live in the past .
We all went to grammer schools
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was very sick at this time too.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Who then, do I blame.?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
My life is so biszare .
What did i know ?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I don,t even have a pension.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Im still living with it.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Ive learnt so much.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But, we were locked up after school.
I write beautiful poetry .
But it wasn’t much.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She was in good health!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
It was going to be , some day.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He resisted the act ,that day.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Why did i forgive my father ?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
So whats the point in blame.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
All the time i was locked up.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And i lived it daily.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I was seconnd youngest,
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Put me off passion for life!!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I have no regrets .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I will be 64.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Especially a lifetime of it.
She found it foreign!.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
This is soul school!.